It is 100% my own fault that I am not at the point in life that I want to be. It has always been that way and I have know this most of my adult life. I can be at any time my own best friend or my own worst enemy but knowing isn’t enough. I never play the both roles simultaneously and do not always consciously choose which to play at any given time. This is when life for me is the most challenging, when I am not being my best or even trying to be and don’t care enough to do so.
I have goals and they are grand and glorious but the larger they are the more I procrastinate and choose lesser goals and commitments as a substitute. For example I may prefer to clear out the garage over looking for a better job opportunity or I may prefer to catch up on my reading over clearing out the garage, etc. And so it goes. I know this about myself and often set up things and situations to get me back on track like scheduling a get together with a friend who gives me tough love or moving something I need to fix or look at right in front of the back door.
When I’m really bad I turn off my phone and go play video games or watch TV for hours or sometimes even days. There is no one in my daily personal life to call me pathetic or at least no one with the power to do so in a way that would affect me. Good friends, people I respect enough to listen to; there just aren’t enough of them in my life. I need to do something about that but first I think I’m going to finish binge-watching Daredevil.