Not What I Expected
There is this saying that I learned some years ago that I have internalized and made it part of how I see the world that is especially relevant as I move forward in my life with intention and action. “The future you create for yourself will not accommodate you because who you know yourself to be is from the past.” I take that to mean that as you move forward with your plans and intentions, the process changes you so that when you arrive at your destination you will find that its value has shifted because you have shifted internally. I say all of that to say that where I am now is not quite where I expected to be.
First of all, I like where I am both physically and spiritually but the latter is in flux because I am intentionally trying to become someone else; still me but a better version of me. I am in the process of training to become a life coach and as I learn these tools and perspectives, it is impossible for me to not apply them to myself. That’s great for the main goal because there are now additional opportunities to transform to someone more in alignment with that goal. It is uncomfortable however as the new that I am becoming is somewhat unrecognizable. My visualization of the new me was clinical and only on the outside looking in. I never really knew how the suit would fit. Doubt creeps in taking the form of “What if I made all these not inconsiderable changes to my life only to find out that it is not actually the life I will enjoy or be rewarded in.” Nevertheless I continue to move forward through that particular fear and a few others.
I am “All In” so I will not be stopped or allow my internal workings to grind to a halt in this process. It’s just that so many uncomfortable things have come up that I did not expect or plan for and there are moments when they have me reeling. I often have to take a break and reaffirm why I am doing this and bolster my confidence or just simply put my mind to work on something else other than sabotage. Creativity cuts both ways and I am working to keep that automatic part of me engaged in the positive.